Wut The Hell! Lolz

[Tanya]

Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem Child Back into Burning Building


Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for Larry and Jen Randal yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever, Mrs. Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of their obnoxious son. Four-year-old Billy Randal seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents he had tormented watched gratefully.
Mr. Randal said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags he stored in Billy's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Mr. Randal quickly ushered his wife and Mrs. Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the little guy catch up on his sleep."
The annoying toddler on the verge of life.

A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Billy, and the child stumbled toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the boy struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted against blaze.
Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry Randal's arms to pull the staggering, annoying four-year-old back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth Lassie," was gnawing on Billy's charred flesh even as it was itself overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could," his thankful mother said.
She continued, "Billy changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Mr. Randal added, "He would call me that, too." Billy was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip her ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what she did."
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Billy's death.

The annoying toddler on the verge of life.

[Tanya]

Poor-Spelling Children Pay Dearly for "Letters to Satan"



Little Rock--The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences.
Ten-year-old Sally Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Brattle, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.
Postmaster General, Sarah Smith, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Chris Cringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."

As a reward for his insolence,
little Stephen has ascended to
the throne of Saudi Arabia.

[Tanya]

Poor Shannon was torn apart
by two rabid giggopets.........

[Tanya]

Bennett exploded in his bed four
days after mailing this letter.

[Tanya]

Don't let this happen to you.



Washington, D.C.— Calling it a "crisis among our nation's children," Surgeon General Elmo Cooper said that America's youth are calling shotgun far too early, and that he will lead a campaign to stem the trend. Dr. Cooper hopes that the country will rally around the new slogan "Just Don't Say Shotgun" and stop calling for the front seat hours, even days, sooner than necessary. The campaign will feature a series of dark, brooding ads showing young people who've lost friends by calling shotgun too soon. In one compelling spot, a young boy, stranded at the mall by his friends for calling shotgun during the movie they had come to see, says, "Now what the **** am I gonna do?" as they drive off. He is then run over by a truck, and, later in the ad, stray dogs tear apart his forgotten corpse.
Dr. Cooper says that, medically speaking, "a premature call is the exclaiming of 'shotgun' before any part of the vehicle is in view," but he said that the definition will have to be revised in light of troubling new data. To illustrate the problem, Dr. Cooper brought several afflicted teens to speak to reporters. Said Billy Gaynor, a hardened seventeen-year-old from Knoxville, "The first thing I do every morning is call shotgun eight, maybe ten, times. That gets me a few good rides. But I still can't beat the people who set their alarms at like 4:00 A.M." Dr. Cooper warned that while many youths, particularly young men like Mr. Gaynor, glorify shotgun and think it is 'sweet', calling it too early can have many dangerous side effects, including peer ridicule and rides in the trunk. Studies have also suggested that early shotgun-calling can lead children to prematurely blurt out other things, such as semen, which can have serious consequences later in life.
Explaining the early calling rise, Dr. Cooper said, "Children learn from their parents that riding shotgun is more spacious, so naturally, they want to sit up front when they are old enough to make seating decisions for themselves." Kids also face peer pressure from older children, who make fun of and sometimes scoot the seat back on children who don't ride shotgun. Dr. Cooper concedes that this abuse is deserved, but he implores parents to hide that fact from their kids: "Our children must not know that they're bitches for riding in the back. That way we can always get the front.":confused:

[GOD]

Congress Raises Executive Minimum Wage to 565.15/Hr

coutresy of  http://www.theonion.com

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved a bill to increase the executive minimum wage from $515.15 to $565.15 an hour, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday. The move marks the first increase in the wage since 1997. 
   


"This is good news for all Americans who work in the upper levels of commerce," DeLay said. "Almost a third of America's hard-working executives toil at corporations day after day, yet still live below the luxury line. It was about time we gave a boost to the American white-collar worker."

The wage was calculated to help executives meet the federal standard-of-easy-living mark of $1.1 million a year. DeLay said that, although his goal is to ultimately reach an executive minimum wage of $800 per hour, he was satisfied with what he characterized as a "stop-gap measure."

"Many of the thousands of Americans overseeing the nation's factories, restaurant chains, and retailers can't even afford a jet," DeLay said. "It's our long-term goal to ensure that no one who sees to it that others work hard for a living will have to go without the basic necessities of the good life."

Under the new law, the executive-minimum salary will increase to more than $1.175 million a year, plus mandatory overtime for executives who work more than seven minutes after 5 p.m., on holidays, outside of their home offices, or from a limousine or non-chartered private aircraft. A separate section of the bill includes concessions for second- and third-housing credits, as well as single-player health-spa coverage.

Top executives nationwide have repeatedly called for wage increases in recent years. 
  

"Our lifestyles are expensive to maintain," Boeing senior vice-president of international relations Tom Pickering said. "The costs of even the most basic executive transportation, food, and clothing are staggering. Since 1993, the average cost of maintaining a household of six, including a butler, a cook, a maid, a driver, and a groundskeeper, has increased by 14 percent. All this, even after we work our fingers to the bone for hundreds of hours a year, painstakingly assembling our benefits packages. It shouldn't have to be this hard."

Some executives called for even more support, in the form of increased benefits and reimbursements.

"Well, it's a good start," said Abby Kohnstamm, IBM senior vice-president of marketing. "But I still don't get a transportation allowance for my company-owned limo. And no one has addressed the fact that almost 8 percent of my income disappears after taxes."

Nick Scheele, Ford president and chief operating officer, said he looks forward to February 2004, when the wage increase is slated to take effect.

"It's about peace of mind," Scheele said. "Executives like myself are sick of living quarterly statement to quarterly statement, forced to check our bank balances before every little real-estate purchase. We're not asking for the world, just the overseas vacations that we so desperately need."

The pay hike marks a rare instance of bipartisan cooperation in one of the most polarized congresses in U.S. history. In the U.S. Senate, only Russ Feingold (D-WI) and John McCain (R-AZ) opposed the bill.

"This proves that politicians can work together when it involves the welfare of the citizens most responsible for keeping them in office," U.S. Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said. "Those of us who hold higher office don't ever forget where we came from, and how we got where we are today. This wage hike is our way of giving something back to the American people who are most important."

[-$HaWn-]

*YAWNS*

[KANE_6969]

news is crazy in ny.. my papers never tell about parents tryignt o kill a kid and succeding liek isa good thing!

[KANE_6969]

so how you feeling this am hulk?

[$-h-ä-W-ñ]

Ny full of idiots

[Tanya]

YaAnd Real Niggas Hahaha, and i feel like crap kane i called into work haha

[Limpkinw]

One of my friends writes for the onion

[Limpkinw]

His 2 latest contributions...they are on the front page of the actual fishwrap if u get it in your area.

<TABLE class=sidenewstable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=162 border=0>

<TBODY>
<TR>

<TD><IMG height=114 alt="Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza" src="http://www.theonion.com/images/313/image_article1854_160x114.jpg" width=160 border=1></TD></TR>

<TR>

<TD class=sidenews><B>Domino's Introduces Thanksgiving Feast Pizza</B></TD></TR>

<TR>

<TD>

<HR noShade SIZE=1>

</TD></TR>

<TR>

<TD><IMG height=128 alt="David Blaine Starves Self Of Attention For 33 Days" src="http://www.theonion.com/images/313/image_article1855_160x128.jpg" width=160 border=1></TD></TR>

<TR>

<TD class=sidenews><B>David Blaine Starves Self Of Attention For 33 Days</B></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

[Tanya]

Never Heard Of It ,.........

[Limpkinw]

www.theonion.com

[Tanya]

[B]I Found This And Ii Don't Know Wtf To Think........Yuck!?

[Limpkinw]

wtf is that ewww

[KANE_6969]

that is downright disgusting

[Tanya]

On The Site It Said It's Larva And Ya That's Some Sick Crap!

[KANE_6969]

i almost got sick seeingthat

[GOD]

you know thats fake right

[Tanya]

It Is Real! SomeHow haha

[GOD]

i know i get wasps nesting in my chest all the time
crafty insects lol

[Tanya]

I Know You Showed Me But It Didn't Seem As Bad Then...=-)P

[GOD]

shawn has wasps in his vagina

[Mark__C]

FAKE!

[Mark__C]

Heres real stuff:

more at http://www.ogrish.com

[GOD]

yea thats fake too

[$-h-ä-W-ñ]

How do you know... its fake. it could be real... and you guys putting up those pics... is like making fun of these poor people... should be shame of ya self

[GOD]

its ashamed
and it looks like someone did that last one in photoshop or something

[GOD]

hey i found my old pic

[$-h-ä-W-ñ]

Man you need a wash!

[Tanya]

Lol @Shawn Getting Upset Of People Making Fun Of Pictures ....Gotta Love Hypocrites=-)